The following was posted by my own Tatsumi to a mailing list for TES members. The discussion was one I was fairly deeply involved in, all about the concept of whether “no” neans “no” all the time, without question. We aren’t really talking about [[wp:safeword|safewords]] here… its more about the concept of consent. Anyway, here is her post:
Mon 11/10/2003 10:15 AM by [email protected]
I wasn’t going to post on this topic, but my head hurts and I just can’t stop myself. Please keep in mind that all I can add to this thread is my opinion based on my experiences.
If a play partner blew past a request and the outcome was positive I would have to think long and hard about my request and how serious I was when I made it.
Why didn’t I question the partner when he blew past it? Why did the scene turn out well? Was I happier in the end that the request was ignored or was I unhappy with the outcome? Would I play with this person again knowing that they have the ability to bend my will to theirs? Would I play with this person again knowing that our play might not be as casual as it appears? Would I trust this person? Do I believe that this person has my best interests at heart?
So many questions and only intuition, faith and trust can provide the answers.
Based on my past, if a playmate blew past a request and I wasn’t ready to get into a serious relationship, I would not play with that person again. It’s pretty simple. They took a gamble on blowing past a requested limit and they lost to ability to play with me.
If I were ready to get into a relationship, they took a gamble and won the chance to be with me on more than a casual level.
Is that risk something most people are willing to bet? I certainly hope not! Most people aren’t smart enough to pull it off without landing themselves in jail.
Again, JMO – YMMV and all that good disclaimer shit:) -Tatsumi
Now, I have always felt much the same way about the concept of consent. I am willing to sidestep it, ignore it, blow past it if I am sure that the outcome of that will be something I want. You have to understand that once you have made the decision to take on yourself the right and power of unilateralism then you become solely responsible for the outcome.
From very early on in my relationship with Tatsumi it was clear to me that if I really wanted, I could bend her – but that the consequences would be immense. That’s a lot of what happened for all the time we were together till a little while ago. Me pushing, her bending, both of us wondering if it was the right time to see what was on the other side of that barrier… if this was the time that I would “do it”.
In the end, it started simply. Hot and wet the slut couldn’t take it any more – she pushed my little girl aside and in a sweet voice told me she wished I would get mad at her so that I could forgive her. It was a gutsy, risky, desperate action on her part – born of frustration and need. It could have led to a casual scene of play anger and real catharsis that would have been very amusing. It didn’t.
What it did do was provide the sound that woke a part of me (the one I call “Cat”) up… woke it unexpectedly. That part of me looked around, sniffed the air and checked the wind. The response was strong and immediate… THIS WAS THE TIME. This moment, right now. Nothing I had planned, nothing I had expected. Nothing I was (consciously) ready for.
So I reached out with a claw, and took what was mine. Shook it by the throat and made my declaration:
- My slut.
- My cunt.
- My girl.
- My Princess.
- Mine to use.
- Just… plain… mine.
The aftermath or as someone I have recently come to realize is a friend said about some needles; the shockwaves of that incident is still rocking us all. It’s a whole new world, but it’s a good one and I will adapt to this. I will keep this girl, this angel under my figurative boots or I will have failed myself and Cat, not to mention the responsibility that comes from having done this thing.
That I will not tolerate.